Toki was my Boston Terrier. She was my first love… my soul mate. After we said goodbye to Toki in July of 2015, I completely consumed myself in anything that would keep my mind occupied – but not tokipoki.com. I quickly realized I had to shut it down and thought it would only be for a couple of months. When 12 months rolled around, I repeated what several people had told me – “it takes time to heal” – and so I embraced that and moved along at my own pace trying to not feel guilt or embarrassment for what I have not done. It’s amazing what expectations we can create to weigh ourselves down. A good friend simply said one day as I was beating myself up… “girl, give yourself a break” – and that led to the thought that Toki knew more than anyone else in the world how incredibly bad I am at “taking breaks!” So with that in mind, I made her another promise that when we relaunch the website, I will go back and tell the many tales of Toki which will require me to take breaks so I can reflect on the adventures we shared. Well here we are, we relaunched after almost 2 years… and now it’s time for me to attempt to write the “Tails of Toki.” I’m going to start with the ONLY thing I was ever able to write after her passing since everything made me cry. I’m sure I will have many more tears but they are happy tears now of wonderful memories with my dog.
We said goodbye to Toki on July 30, 2015.
My cell phone has a smart alarm that plays a soft melody for 3 minutes prior to my actual BLARING alarm at 6am. Every time the pre-alarm starts at 5:57am, I wake up and immediately my heart aches and the tears well up.
After Toki went blind, she started having troubles sleeping thru the night so we spent most of the summer months sleep deprived. There were many 1am – 2am – 3am – 4am walks around the yard and then finally she’d go back to sleep. I dreaded when 5:57am rolled around and the smart alarm played, but I have to admit that the gentle wakeup prior to the demanding alarm was preferred.
Well it’s been over a month now of somewhat normal hours of sleep but every time my smart alarm plays, it reminds me of my sweet little girl and I get so sad. I just contemplated turning off the smart alarm since waking up with my heart in my throat makes the morning rough. I’ve never noticed the name of the smart alarm tune until now looking at the settings – this gentle guitar melody with soft ocean waves in the background is called “Angel’s Feather”
Suddenly, I feel a little enlightened…
Perhaps our sleepless summer nights was when Toki was growing her feathers and that is why it was so uncomfortable for her.
Perhaps our Angel deer is to keep us actively distracted so we are not focusing on how much we miss Toki when we are in the front yard.
I won’t be removing the smart alarm from my phone now. It’s amazing how music can touch your soul so I’m just going to embrace my emotions. I’m sure with time, the aches and sadness will turn to happy thoughts… and my tears will dry up so I can clearly see that it’s just Toki hovering over the bed to say “Good Morning Mom” when my smart alarm plays at 5:57am.